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Written by Kassie. Originally performed in There is Bad People Here; Do not Buy Their Sad Story. The title should be read as "slash." Cast Kassie: Herself Matt Chen: Himself Eliot Routh: CM #1/Fake Matt Tony Assande: CM #2/Sparkledust the Unicorn Liam O'Brien: CM #3/Princess Jeremy Parisa Zamanian: CM #4/a swirling vortex of noise. Text of the Piece KASSIE: So, to start this piece, I have a confession. Well… it’s not really like a confession anymore. But… I write fanfic. Lots of it. It’s how I relax, most times. And now, in honor of the utterly fantastic nature of one of our cast members, I have written fanfic about our own Matt Chen. MATT: …You did? KASSIE: Yeah! MATT: Should I be offended or flattered? KASSIE: Sit the hell down and listen. (Matt does so. Kassie narrates from a perch upstage while various cast members act out Matt’s adventures.) KASSIE: Once upon a time, Matt Chen was walking to class when he met a magical talking unicorn. CM #2: (CM #1 is fake-Matt!) Hello, Matt Chen! My name is Sparkledust and I’m here to take you on a mystical journey! CM #1: Your name is Sparkledust? CM #2: Yes! I’m a unicorn from the far away land of Binah! I’ve been imparted with the duty of bringing you on a quest! CM #1: (considers momentarily) Fuck you, that’s gay. CM #2: But you must come with me, Matt Chen! You are the only one who can save our kingdom! CM #1: I’m already late for class, go suck your own cock. CM #2: OH NO YOU DON’T, MISTER! (cudgels CM #1 upside the head; CM #1 passes out) MATT: I just got knocked out by a UNICORN?! KASSIE: Yes. MATT: BY A UNICORN. KASSIE: It’s fanfic, are you arguing? MATT: YES! KASSIE: Well too bad, I’m writing this. Shut up. ...So Sparkledust took Matt to the far away land of Binah, and when he came to, he was dressed lavishly, in an ornate room of an over-decorated palace. CM #1: Holy fucking shit! I’ve come to in an ornate room of an over-decorated palace! ...What the hell is wrong with my clothes? KASSIE: So he left in search of new clothes. Instead, he found Princess Jeremy, the buxom drag queen who would soon rule the kingdom. CM #3: OH! MATT CHEN! CM #1: ...Who the fuck are you? CM #3: I’m Princess Jeremy! CM #1: ...You’re a princess? CM #3: Yes! CM #1: Do you have a penis? CM #3: I really like pretty clothes! KASSIE: They did not get along well at first. CM #1: You’re fucking creepy. Get away from me. MATT: Am I at least going to grope her? KASSIE: ...Matt, who is telling the story? MATT: I should be! Your storytelling sucks! KASSIE: Well, too bad. You can’t. Stop talking. …But, unfortunately, Matt Chen soon learned that a horrible darkness had spread across the land of Binah. (CM #4 enters and makes horrifying noises while contorting him/herself in an equally horrific fashion. Then, for no apparent reason, CM #4 leaves.) CM #1: FUCK! KASSIE: So Matt Chen found himself staying in the palace. CM #1: I AM NOT GOING OUT THERE! KASSIE: Lucky for him, Princess Jeremy was more than willing to help him. CM #3: LET ME HELP YOU! CM #1: NO! MATT: I would say that. KASSIE: But he was insistent. CM #3: LET ME HELP YOU! CM #1: NO! (CM #3 shoves CM #1 down and sits on his hips.) CM #3: I’M GOING TO HELP YOU AND MAKE YOU LIKE IT! KASSIE: And as he looked up at the drag queen princess, Matt Chen felt himself overcome with a rush of lust like he’d never felt before… MATT: Woah! NO! NO! LET ME HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN’T HORRIFYING! KASSIE: MATT! I AM WRITING THIS FANFIC! MATT: NO YOU AREN’T ANYMORE! FUCK YOU! (Matt improvs the end of the fanfic.)* *: This was done by shooting various people with a Nerf gun. Category:Pieces